sar

oct. 26 // 11:30 pm

I’m not the easiest person to understand. I don’t trust anyone easily. I don’t let anyone in without them having to knock down my walls. I like to keep my feelings locked far far far away from the rest of the world. I’d rather push feelings away than tell someone. I like to act like I’m cold-hearted and despise the thought of love. People say that my biggest fear is being vulnerable to someone. I can’t say that they’re wrong. Sadness and abandonment are up there on that list too. I’ve seen my friends go through heartbreaks and I don’t ever want to experience it. I don’t want a sorry-ass guy to be the reason I’m up at 4 a.m. crying and screaming into my pillow because he decided that he didn’t love me anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough. I don’t want to lose anyone. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to NEED someone. Too many people come and go for that. At the end of the day, I have myself to take care of. If I let someone in and give them the power to control how I feel, what do I do when they leave? Yeah, I don’t think I want to know. I’ve never given love a chance. I roll my eyes at the guys who seem like they may actually want me for more than one night. I’m scared of giving my whole being to someone. I can’t imagine loving someone so much that my the heart aches when they leave my side. And I really can’t imagine someone loving me that much. I’ve always said that I’m incapable of being loved. It’s true. My bitchy and snooty attitude is too much for someone to think that tearing down my walls is worth anything. I want more than anything to give that act up, let my guard down, and see what happens, but my fear of my heart being torn into shreds is far too big. I don’t know how or when this will pass, but when it does, I hope I fall so hard in love(VERY slowly of course) and never fall out of it. I hope that whoever I fall in love with knows how much I appreciate his patience with my stubborn self. Lord knows it’s going to take awhile. But until then, I’ll keep working on myself.

Xx